We haven't had this discussion since we were engaged back in 2008! Gasp!
A few days after we celebrated our first wedding anniversary it just sort of came up in a conversation and we discussed a lot about it.
Initially we knew that we were both still too young (in our eyes) to be parents and that it wasn't something we saw happening in our lives for many years to come, if ever.
We discussed never having children and what life would be like and then we discussed having children and what our life would be like.
Truth is...you just really don't know. We never will. Until an event happens in your life that changes it (for better or worse) then you really honestly can't say 100% for sure how the outcome will be.
It wasn't ever a spoken topic in our relationship. We never talked about it when we were doing things; like building our house or painting it. We never said thing like, "we shouldn't lay out the rooms like that because it thats the nursery one day then it will be too far away from the master bedroom" or "we shouldn't buy such a big desk for the office in case we have to move it and turn this room into a nursery." I guess it was just one of those things in life that we planned to "wing it" if and when the time came.
I AM NOT PREGNANT. For reals. I promise. I don't plan to be for at least several more years. However, I'm pretty sure we've taken the word "baby" off the NO list and moved it over to the MAYBE list.
One thing that came up in our discussion was failure. Failure, a word we both hate. If there is one thing Hubs and I have in common its that word. We hate, hate, hate that word! I have always strived to do my best at whatever task was at hand, whether it be a new recipe, big project at work, or a sport. I've always feared hearing that word, or most importantly that phrase, "You failed." Its harsh. Hubs feels 100% the same way. He doesn't like to lose (that's the baseball freak in him) but more importantly he doesn't like to fail. We're just made that way, I guess. Back to failure....one of the first things that came up was, "what if we fail at being parents?" Seriously, what if we totally suck at it and our child ends up being a high school drop out or a druggie? I know thats really crazy and trust me, it sounded worse when it came out of my mouth than it looks on the screen...but really, those things happen, ya know? I know parents of people I went to school with that overdosed or quit school and started stripping. Don't we all?
What if my kid....is THAT kid? I mean, you can fail at a lot of things in life. A math test, I can handle. Wouldn't be happy about it, but I could get through the F written in big red ink on my test. Failing as a parent....not as easy to get over as a bad grade.
How do you know that you wouldn't fail as a parent, if its something you've never done. Its not like we can try it out and return the kid if we aren't successful at parenting. Geez, its a baby, not a damn Playstation!
A thing that has probably been a large factor in altering this decision is my health. I'm a perfectly healthy person for the most part but it hasn't always been that way and throughout the years I have been through a lot with my female organs. Suffering from ovarian cancer at 16 and having a cantaloupe sized tumor, my right ovary, and right fallopian tube removed during a 5 hour surgery. I've been diagnosed with non-specific ovarian failure when my left ovary failed to ovulate after the surgery. I've had numerous cysts rupture on my left ovary, the only one I have that remains. I have been very lucky to have been treated by wonderful doctors and everything was caught very early on so no progression of the cancer ever occurred. I never had to do chemo or radiation because the surgeons were 100% positive they were able to remove everything with the emergency surgery. So I guess this is always in the backs of our minds because of my history and I'm sure that its something that we can't help but think of when we think about pregnancy.
But the fact still remains that we just have too much love for one another not to share it with someone else. We have Bronx, our lab and he will always be our first "baby" and Hubs probably thinks I treat Bronx more like a baby than a dog anyway. He makes us laugh, he makes us cry, he drives us nuts, he calms us down, and I really can't go back and remember what our life was like before we had Bronx.
I remember being alone in our house before Hubs moved in after we built it, before we were married. I remember coming home after work and not having anyone to talk to "in person" and being kind of sad and down in the dumps for the first month or two. I had an entire family at my old house who was home all the time and I never felt alone. Hubs must have sensed that I was feeling this way, even though I tried not to show it so he snuck behind my back and bought Bronx for me. I've never been given a sweeter gift than him (other than the Hubs, of course!). It was love at first sight and I've been attached to the little hellian ever since!
Having him in our lives has brought us so much joy and we love him to the moon and back. We have had the best time watching him grow and change.
Bronx's 1st night in his new home. The night Hubs gave him to me.
Bronx's 1st Birthday
(yes we celebrated....I even made him a doggie cake. I told you he was spoiled!)
I can only hope and pray that if God wants a child to come into our lives that it be his will and that we let him guide us in making the right choices as parents.
Cheers!
-Charlee
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